High Notes - Soprano Mentality

Now’s the season I pretend to remember baking skills I haven’t used all year. I work with one hand tucked in the small of my back, as if waiting for someone to arrest me for what I’m doing in the kitchen. That’s the hand that always wants to help, but I burned the fingers off my childhood, so I keep that hand behind me, a painful memory.

Meanwhile, my mitted hand pulls baked goods from the oven, deftly as if I worked in a patisserie every day of the year. Me and Betty Crocker, we’re like this! (Fingers tight together.)

My other seasonal diversity is hitting the high notes. By this time in the year, I have an exact count of how many E’s and F’s I have before Christmas, notes I haven’t used since Easter, they suddenly emerge at the top of my treble clef.

I sing soprano, not terribly high soprano, but high enough for church choir. It’s not very difficult, you just have to hit notes in the upper range with some modicum of confidence. Success has nothing to do with it. In soprano mentality, success is the same as confidence—confidence is success. It’s like marketing: if you are loud enough, then you are successful, then you are a soprano.

A soprano’s job is easy: bloodhound the melody, lie in wait for a high note. Anyone who can carry a tune can sing soprano, even if you sing it an octave lower. The melody is the soprano part. It’s what children learn to sing. Those who progress into further music mastery become altos, tenors, and basses.

Sopranos only listen to themselves. All other parts are there to make sopranos look good.

The only time a soprano will sing harmony is if you call it a descant.

Don’t ask sopranos to hit a high note, then cut-off after a quarter count. They’ll mutiny a birdseye. A dotted half note becomes a double whole note with ellipses.

A decrescendo in soprano range is more difficult than teaching Clydesdales to moonwalk.

Diction is for the alto section.

How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb? …Can you repeat the question?

The fastest way to compliment a soprano is tell her she’s pretty. You can tell her she has the voice of an angel, but she already knows that. She’s using her voice to draw attention to her looks. If you notice her looks, then she knows you’ve noticed both.

I like to sing, but my voice is not good. I have to play with pronunciation, jump to vowels quickly. Even in speaking, I lack diction. (Perhaps that’s why I type?) I can’t just sing a note without learning the ramp to it and figuring out how I’m going to throw the sound into the back of my throat for roundness. I’ve asked God that if I go to Heaven, I’d like to have a better voice. For now, I try to do the best I can on Earth, to learn what I can about singing, and keep practicing. I pray that God will grant blessings on those who have to hear me, that they may understand I am a work in progress with Him. It’s just so difficult to overcome soprano mentality!