Transformers - Robots in the Eye

Sitting through TRANSFORMERS is like watching fluorescent light bulbs going on…going off. Like waking up from the same bad dream, then realizing the dream is still there.

I’ve seen the movie before, I swear I have, but I don’t remember it even though parts are familiar. I thought maybe if I watched it all the way through just once I’d be able to remember from here forward, but my eyes shut anyway.

The movie lacks pacing. It’s all go without enough funny lines or character depth to keep me conscious. It moves in a blur of action where even the transformations are smeared through a million pixels. The mechanical details are left to the toy designers. How the machines attain a multi-storied mass from a two-door sedan remains mechanical genius.

With the exception of the introduction scene, the good bots are indistinguishable from the bad bots. The Autobots behave as much like thugs as the Decepticons, taking over the lives of humans to suit their purposes. The Autobots don’t kill humans, but apparently abduction, grand theft auto, and general terrorizing aren’t on their no-no list. All this is to give preservation to a box that resembles a miniature Borg—you assimilate with the Allspark and it kills you, as with Optimus Prime.



As I mentioned above, the mechanical details of transformation are left to the toy designers. Not only does Hasbro have to create a duel-function toy, they have to make it transform in three-D, and it actually has to work.

What could be a better concept than two toys in one? It is efficiency and ingenuity combined at their finest. And if you lose the directions for how to transform it back, you could be forever out with your blaster arm hanging open as a car door.

Children, of course, can memorize thousands of intricate, sequential steps which do not require triple-strength reading glasses for the Japanese print. Children will only bring the toy to you once it’s one-third helicopter, half faceless robot, and partially functioning as a Betty Crocker oven. Transformers are marvelous Christmas gifts because they can keep a parlor full of adults occupied all day. See if Uncle George can get the chopper blade in. If not, take it to Aunt Gladys to get the broiler function to turn off.

At least Transformers don’t require batteries, only aspirin.