REALITY LEAKS

If you can get past a penis stalking through the first scene of RIDICULE, you may appreciate the dark side of humor portrayed in this French film.

The power of insult prevails in the high court of Louis XVI. A landowner from rural France comes to compete in this powder wig world in order to gain favor for his people. He campaigns for a drainage project that will save his serfs. Despite his country background, he is a keen man—he knows to play the part and how to play it—but alas, he is inexperienced, and he is kind, the flaws that bring about his downfall in his initial campaign. The end of the movie is the beginning: he takes his most base revenge on the man who did subdue him: he pisses on him.

That may not be a real, human penis, penises being fickle things. This is not pornography where bodily fluids are more easily exchanged than dialogue; this is high art of film. This is French. This is cinéma! This is a prosthetic phallus, is my guess. I don’t know what is the French word for “Fluffer,” but I’m thinking I didn’t see it in the credits.

Furthermore, that’s not real urine. Unless hepatitis and HIV are less communicable in translation, I doubt that’s more than yellow-tinted water, eau de nothing. Do you realize the biohazard suggested in this scene? Human primates, just like any primates, are extremely contagious to each other, even in France.

A theater company was preparing to do Sam Shepard’s CURSE OF THE STARVING CLASS, a play that involves blood, pee, a live lamb, and a bushel of artichokes among its properties. They made the blood out of peanut butter, diluted and dyed red. It smeared well and stayed on the wall to give a coagulated effect. Of course they used creamy not crunchy. As for the pee, well, it’s one thing to pee in a cup; it’s another thing to pee in front of an entire audience. Besides, who wants to clean up real urine between scenes? They rigged the actor with a false bladder and a tube and had to make sure he didn’t leak. The lamb and the artichokes were not so difficult.

Blood, sweat, urine, saliva, tears, semen, and vaginal secretions are substances you should avoid unless they are your own. Share them carefully. And microwavable plastic wrap in an ineffective disease prevention because of its perforations. I just thought that you should know too. Reality leaks can be just as dangerous as illusion.