Angelina

Can someone explain to me the appeal of Angelina Jolie? I was watching “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” the other night and couldn’t help but think, for the millionth time, that there’s something rather ridiculous about our collective fascination with “Angie”. For one, does she always make that face? At the beginning of one of her movies I’m sure she’s making a face. But then as the movie goes on I have to entertain the notion that she’s not making a face at all but that I’m seeing her features in repose. Always a bit disconcerting to imagine that kewpie-doll pout at all hours of the day, in sleep, while reading, while working out, etc.

Now, Mr. and Mrs. Smith is a terrible movie, and I don’t want to judge her too harshly based on her work therein, but I think it’s probably a bad sign when you find yourself thinking, “Man, Brad Pitt is way more talented and classy than his co-star.”

That thought occurred to me about twenty minutes in. Then, near the climax (which, for these two randy assassins, is a “no-pun-intended” affair), I had another thought that was equally disturbing: “Man, Brad Pitt is acting circles around his co-star here.”

Not sure you could describe what she does as “acting.” Angelina seems to have three primary faces which she employs at random in her scenes. There’s the “I’m beautiful and mysterious” face with the eyebrow cocked and the pillowy lips outthrust; that’s apparently the default. Then there’s the “I’m angry as hell and about to take you out” look, which varies from look number one in that the upper pillow is drawn back to show some teeth. Finally there’s the “this emotion is rather strong. I might cry” look, which builds on looks one and two by adding an uneven crinkle between the eyes.

Now, I don’t know if Angelina has had plastic surgery or not, but I’m often uncomfortable watching those who have (Jerry Jones, Michael Jackson, Melanie Griffith, Robert Redford). I get nervous for these people. I’m worried the face won’t hold up, that during an exchange with the interviewer (presumably an editor can remove these moments in television or movies) the reconstructed face will make a false move, will betray itself as less and human. I’ve seen it happen. A sudden smile, a laugh, an expression of surprise is marred by a series of muscles that turn left instead of right, and the face conveys baffled rage, for instance, instead of cosmopolitan amusement. I’ve seen it happen so many times that I really have a hard time watching anyone who’s had extensive work. I had the same worry about Angelina before I realized that she’s solved this problem by limiting herself to the above three expressions, all of which she’s mastered (other stars, take note).

So I got to thinking; I’d like to change my mind. I’d like to be convinced. Can someone explain the appeal of Angelina Jolie? Don’t tell me about breasts or legs; let’s face it, lots of women have those (almost all!) and some in superior proportion, etc. I want to know about star power, charisma, talent, some combination of above. If that fails, can someone at least tell me a decent movie in which she’s starred? I couldn’t come up with anything. There’s the Tomb Raider series (practically unwatchable), Mr. and Mrs. Smith (literally unwatchable) and then…what else? Girl Interrupted was good, I guess. But all Angelina did was scowl and smoke cigarettes. I’ve seen parts of Gia, and it wasn’t bad but all Angelina did was scowl and smoke cigarettes. I mean, can this girl *act*? Does that matter?

One final note. Yes, I’m aware she might be a person of high moral character, a hard-won virtue resulting from years of reckless living. She apparently supports certain charitable causes. And yes, her reckless times were suitably lurid. She once had relations with her brother, for instance, and once kept a phial of blood around her neck. But then, her vices were rather ostentatious, weren’t they, and on further reflection, nothing out of the sex/drugs/rockandroll ordinary. So I’m still looking for some reason to find her significant. If I were Jennifer Anniston, I’d be pissed. I’d be watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith and thinking, “He left me for this? A stop light has more range than this woman. I was in Good Girl. Did anyone see? I was in Good Girl.”