ADD VICE

A person without a vice is a dangerous thing. Have you tried practical jokes? I find them wonderfully appealing, but there's always revenges you have to keep ducking. And I'd avoid victimizing anyone under your own roof. You really don't want retaliation to visit you in your home. I miss working in an office with co-workers who were always ready prey—the copier loaded with hot pink paper, the paper clips all linked together, a whole birthday party for someone when it isn’t her birthday. Still, now I have the neighbors, some of them. You have to choose wisely who can take a joke, someone who would play a joke back on you, then avoid that person like the avian flu.

What makes a bad habit a good bad habit? Does it have to be ingestible? Does it have to be something you can pick up at a gas station? I drink hot tea. I mean hot tea! It's a habit, but I don't think it could ever be classified as bad! You certainly couldn't get it between the pickled eggs and lotto tickets. Tea indeed! Plus it's way too unexpensive. Tea!

Surfing? You can't put that in your mouth. Besides, it has a spiritual reputation. If you can't mix it with peyote, I don't think you can classify it as vice, nor any sport for that matter, except golf maybe, but who counts golf as sport? I thought that was just another name for adultery. Adultery isn’t a vice because it’s so strictly a sin, listed by name on Moses’ tablets. It’s not petty enough to be vice. Besides, who has time for a fling? If I had time for a fling, I’d have time for way more shoes than what I have.

Look, if you’re not going to take drugs or caffeine or alcohol, and you can’t do extreme sports all the time, you might want to consider putting on a shirt and tie and riding around town on a bicycle because Mormonism is about the only bad thing there is left that doesn't cause acid reflux.