BADGERS AND TOADS

Thank heavens for Masterpiece Theatre to explain to me “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride” at Disney World. That ride used to be a definite must do amusement, right up alongside “Pirates of the Caribbean” and “Haunted House,” and it seemed equally abstract. I never knew “Mr. Toad’s” was connected to a book until I saw The Wind in the Willows on PBS.

Of course “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride” broke down all the time and you could get perpetually stuck on the verge of being run over by a train, but that was part of the fun! It was a conversation piece of who could get stuck where and for how long and did the attendants have to walk the cars through to get everybody out. Unfortunately Disney revamped that piece of real estate in the Magic Kingdom into a Winnie the Pooh ride, but they didn’t lay new tracks so the refitted conveyances still follow Mr. Toad’s old route, except I think they run it at a different speed.

Regardless of speed or history or principalities real or imagined or other words which might fit nicely into the preamble of a great constitution, I had in my mind a less effeminate, more charmingly charismatic idea of Mr. Toad rather than the over-indulged, heterosexually-challenged portrayal of the Masterpiece Theatre version. Matt Lucas as Mr. Toad does convincingly carry the story of his predicaments and grand accomplishments, yet he does so without my sympathy, which he could have so easily called upon.

As for Badger, however, standing applause for Bob Hoskins. I didn’t sympathize with him either, but his was not a sympathetic role. I think the second Gods’ Must Be Crazy movie may be the only circumstance where we are called upon to take pity on a badger, one who is trodden on, then dragged across the dessert only to collapse with exhaustion into nearly complete dehydration, but I digress. Hoskins growled disagreeably, he tucked his chin in firm disapproval, and he bullied everyone into order. It was a strikingly similar role to his performance in Mrs. Henderson Presents, except without the full frontal nude scene. Certainly he harkens back to his days with Roger Rabbit as he vanquishes the weasels once again.

I propose that Disney World should resurrect a Wind in the Willows based ride. They could use the old Pinocchio launch. I have to scratch my memory to recall there used to be a sky lift over the park, but I can find the support pole bases still in the pavement at regular intervals. The new ride could be Mr. Toad’s next transportation venture into airplanes. If Beatrix Potter can merit some big screen time, surely Disney can pull off the popularity of humanized inhabitants of stream and wood. And Mr. Badger is a natural character for the expression of anyone who has come to the bill at the end of the Magic Kingdom, the heavy border where fantasy comes to a sudden and complete stop.